


Ten Years On

by creeper_gavin



Category: Torchwood
Genre: Angst, Emotional Hurt, Grief/Mourning, Jack Has Issues, Jack Visits Ianto's Grave, M/M, Past Character Death, Suicide Attempt, Ten Years Later
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-07-10
Updated: 2019-07-10
Packaged: 2020-06-26 02:49:28
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,535
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/19759048
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/creeper_gavin/pseuds/creeper_gavin
Summary: It's been ten years since Ianto Jones died and Jack Harkness finally builds up the courage to visit his deceased lover's grave.--------------" And now, ten years on from the day he lost Ianto Jones, he finds himself sitting by a certain grave with a bunch of flowers in his lap. The first time he’s been able to bring himself to do so.“It’s been a while.” Jack says from where he sits cross legged by the headstone. He’s been sitting there for a while now but this is the first time he can bring himself to speak. “I’m about to do a lot of talking and I know we didn’t actually do a lot of that when you were around. Which means there are a lot of words to catch up on so I’m going to need you to stay quiet, alright? Shouldn’t be hard to do.” He forces out a chuckle. The tears are already springing forward into his eyes. "





	Ten Years On

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this for the ten year anniversary of Ianto Jones' death yesterday. Today I remembered I had an AO3 account and decided upload it here. Enjoy some emotional pain!
> 
> Thank you <3

It’s been ten years to the day since Jack lost Ianto Jones. For a while Jack tried to push the date out of his mind. He didn’t want any part of it. He didn’t want to remember it. It hurt too much. But every time his mind drifts back to conversations with the young Welshman. Phrases float up and it hits him with the strongest sense of guilt.  
  
_Blip in time._

_Don’t forget me._

If Jack doesn’t remember the date, if he doesn’t burn that painful number deep down in his mind, then that’s what Ianto will become. Nothing more than a speck in his memory. Nothing to ground him to what he was. Jack can’t let that happen. He _refuses_.

When Ianto Jones first died, Jack lost himself. You see, there’s a lot of Ianto-Glue that holds together Jack Harkness. It’s invisible but it’s the strongest glue in the universe. It fills in the cracks left by two thousand years of torture, heart-break and wrong doings. Make no mistake there’s Jack-Glue holding together Ianto too but that now lays to rest six feet under the ground. Jack won’t ask for it back. Even if death that piece of him still belongs to Ianto.

Jack left Earth after Ianto died. There was nothing for him here. Jack lost a man he loved harder than anyone else. He arrived at Torchwood Three for the Doctor. He stayed for Ianto Jones. And why stay now? When the Doctor no longer needed him and his one true reason for remaining here was never coming back? So, Jack ran.  
  
He could run forever if you let him.

Jack never slowed down - not for years. He ran to every corner of the universe, every second of time. He screamed Ianto Jones’ name into the ether, letting it resonate with every colony, every species that he found. Ianto Jones would never be forgotten. Even if Jack himself grew old and feeble. Even if he lived so long everything was a blur. There would be an echo of Ianto’s name around the universe for everyone alike to hear. Perhaps as Jack grew old he would hear those echoes. Perhaps he wouldn’t remember a face or feel his touch but he’d hear a name in a voice so familiar. And he would know to remember it for the rest of his life.

After his voice was hoarse and there was no breath left in his lungs Jack found himself a quiet corner of the universe if there was such a thing. He stands in an open field, looks out onto the horizon and raises his Webley. Jack seems to linger, a little nervous perhaps, before pressing the barrel to his head.

He pulls the trigger.

**BANG.**

Jack drops dead.

Seconds later he gasps for air, flailing where he lays, hands grabbing out for someone that will never be there again. He raises his weapon again in shaking hands.

**BANG.**

Jack dies once more.

The cycle repeats over and over and over.

**BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.**

Reload.

**BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG. BANG.**

What part of him drives this? What is his brain thinking?

Well, and perhaps this is the heart-breaking part, he hopes that one of these deaths may be his last. Maybe his number will run out. Maybe his body can only regenerate so many times in a short space of time. Maybe he’ll stay dead long enough that he gets a glimpse of that beautiful face that left him behind. Maybe he’ll stay long enough to receive a kiss.

It never works of course.

After that Jack just keeps running. It’s years in the end. Years of mindless running head first into danger. Years of pain that didn’t need to be caused. Years of recklnessness.

Eventually he comes home.

The Hub is rebuilt.

He reunites with Gwen.

Normality.

Except it never can be. There are ghosts in this Hub. It doesn’t matter that it was re-built. It doesn’t matter that technically these ghosts have never seen these surroundings. There’s an Owen in the med-bay, a Tosh babbling at her desk, and a Ianto in the tourism office. They won’t let themselves be forgotten, will they?

And now, ten years on from the day he lost Ianto Jones, he finds himself sitting by a certain grave with a bunch of flowers in his lap. The first time he’s been able to bring himself to do so.

“It’s been a while.” Jack says from where he sits cross legged by the headstone. He’s been sitting there for a while now but this is the first time he can bring himself to speak. “I’m about to do a lot of talking and I know we didn’t actually do a lot of that when you were around. Which means there are a lot of words to catch up on so I’m going to need you to stay quiet, alright? Shouldn’t be hard to do.” He forces out a chuckle. The tears are already springing forward into his eyes.

“Ianto Jones you were special.” Jack nods. “I… refused to let anyone into my life over the years. The pain of losing people didn’t seem worth getting close to them. I vowed to myself, Ianto I really did, I vowed I would never let myself love someone ever again. I didn’t exactly bargain for you.”

There’s a long pause after that. Jack looks down at his lap.

“I love you. There I said it.” Jack nods determinedly, nostrils flaring as tears start their journey down his cheeks. “Sorry it took ten years to say. Doesn’t mean I didn’t back then though. I did love you. I just wasn’t ready to let myself. Guess I shouldn’t have waited so long, huh?”

Another pause and Jack doesn’t know what to say. They never _talked_ about this kind of thing before, it’s even harder now when one half can’t talk back. Jack lets his head tip forward into his hands, his palms dragged down his face as he mentally kicks himself for not having prepared something beforehand.

“You probably just want me to spit it out right? Or by now you would have told me to shut up and you would have kissed me just a bit harder than necessary—not that I’d complain.” It’s a laugh now, as he raises his head again and focuses his eyes on the gravestone with a sigh.

“I wanted to thank you Ianto Jones, that’s really all. A lot of rambling to get there I realised but it’s hard to turn on the charm when I can’t see your face.” Jack smiles sadly. “Thank you. For everything. For being you. I didn’t want anyone knowing about me you see Ianto. I… used to be afraid. Horribly afraid. That maybe if people knew I couldn’t die that they wouldn’t _care_ about me. Got proved once or twice in the past and after that I kept it secret. You were one hell of an exception to that rule Ianto Jones. I am immortal-- and you’d still throw yourself in front of me. You’d still be there when I died. You were so… incredibly caring Ianto. I couldn’t quite believe my luck.  
  
“So I told you more. I told you about my life, about the Time Agency, about every trip with the Doctor. I told you stories that will never see the light of day again. They will die with you Ianto, and that’s okay. That’s the way it should be.”

Tears are streaming down his face now. Jack doesn’t bother to wipe them away.

“I was afraid of love. I was scared to let myself get close to someone but with you I couldn’t help myself. It was like something pulled me towards you. Something that wouldn’t let go until I could call you mine. Being immortal isn’t easy—though you could argue being dead is probably harder. I won’t fight you on that. But I know that everyone I get close to will leave. One way or another.”  
  
A sob. It chokes him. His voice from now one is broken and tired. He breathes heavily through sniffs but doesn’t once wipe those tears away. Ianto deserves these emotions.

“But you were so worth it, Ianto. You were worth every pain in this universe. And we should have had so long together. A good fifty years to go.” Jack cries. “I was going to watch you grow old. I was going to tease you about going grey. I was going to be there, Ianto, and you were going to be the first one in thousands of years that I let myself do that with. I promise you that.”

Jack’s face is streaked. His eyes bright red and puffy. Finally, he gets to his feet. The flowers are taken from his lap and placed by the headstone of the grave. He allows himself some time to stare at the inscription before taking a step backwards.

A shaky breath is taken as his mouth moves to form words. None of them are right so he fumbles silence for a moment before he sobs loudly and finally speaks.

“I want you come home, Ianto Jones.”  
  
He begs.  
  
“Please…”


End file.
